This past week, I took the leap – I finally moved out of my parents’ house. With over two months of searching and having various opportunities fall through, I’ve found myself on my own.
No more floundering through each day, no more wondering if I’ll ever be strong enough to jump into the unknown – here I am.
It was dark at first, making the leap, but there’s so much light beyond the smoke and clouds, as if I’ve been fighting my way through a storm and the storm has finally lifted.
The whole process of moving for me was a bit maddening – I knew I needed to seek out my own independence for my health, but I hardly knew where to start. I was sick of my lack of motivation and energy, which was caused greatly by living in an unhealthy environment.
I knew it was due time to pave my own way – I’ve got to get out there! I’ve got to be on my own! I’ve got to forge my life, work on me!
Turns out, none of those things are very easy and the emotional process of moving was far from fun – luckily I had some awesome people to help make the physical part simple.
But the most difficult thing now? Healing. Searching. Seeking. Growing.
Although I create things, do relatively well at work and appear to be happy go-lucky, there is a lot more inside me that I still need to figure out as a young adult. I have energy and passion that often times has no where to go, or is no where to be seen.
I also, as a result of stress, depression, and anxiety, often find myself lost in a dream world. Some days my mind is so foggy and I feel so separated from my body that I’ll forget words I just spoke, or bump into things, or wander into rooms that I could have swore I needed something from, but didn’t.
2019 came with lost loved ones, hours of traffic, caffeine as a supplement to feel alive, and many disappointments – but I’m determined to make 2020 better.
2020 will be my ultimate year of self-discovery, self-care and self-healing. I didn’t just move out – I took the biggest step toward self-liberation and self-trust. Even in light of my struggles, I pushed myself to do one of the hardest things people have to do in life – move out for the first time ever. This means the world to me and my future-self.
2020 will be filled with new creations, shiny lights to fill dark corners of rooms that are now my blank canvas, hot coffee on rainy days, and cozy cuddles with an outstanding cat of my own.
This is week one – a start to a huge new chapter in the novel that is my life, my story – a story I’ve always dared to write. Even if my pen runs out of ink, my effort is engraved into the fibers of the pages, pushing the narrative forward.
So for those of you going through the same or similar struggles – whether you’re in between jobs, looking to move out yourself, considering returning to school, getting out of a bad relationship, or thinking of stepping out of your comfort zone with anything, you aren’t alone.
Even during the days I could hardly remember my name, I clung to my goals and to the different pieces of myself I knew would carry me forward. Remember that – think of your life goals and tie them into the strengths of who you are. Your mind isn’t as finite as you may think and your goals can lift you if you keep them clear even on the haziest of days.
And don’t rush yourself – you deserve to work on your growth in your own time – but do not dally. De-motivation likes to seep in the most when your mind is the farthest from your goals.
Just know that nothing worth it in life is easy (sorry, had to throw in that cliché ) – and some of the most difficult things you’ll ever do will bring you lasting courage and reward. You have to make the effort for yourself – but don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way from the people who love you. I know I wouldn’t be who or where I am today without the closest people in my life.
But they can’t do everything for you – even in your darkest moments, it is your responsibility to find the light and to get out of the hole, the cave, the ocean, whatever dark plain of existentialist dread and madness you fancy.