“I’m a college graduate!”
I chime happily whenever I utterly fail at things in my daily post-graduate life.
College was meant to prepare me for life right? So now, whenever I come across something college didn’t teach me, I belt out:
“THEY DIDN’T TEACH ME THIS IN COLLEGE!”
…as my primary excuse for being a terrible model of a fully-functioning and educated adult.
Okay. I’m really not a terrible model for a college grad, I guess. Over these two weeks, I re-did my resume, sent out a few job apps, did some big house projects with my mom, watched my best friend graduate, have been actively going to the gym, and set up my new streaming gear for gaming. You know, ‘productive’ things.
I jumped into this productive kick right after graduation because everytime I have a break from school…say, summer break, winter break, etc, I get depressed. Fast.
And now that that break is forever, I need to keep moving, don’t I? I can’t be that girl whose curled up in her bed, crying while holding her pillow because she simply doesn’t know what to do with herself.
Productive! You must keep doing everything! If you can’t get an A on a paper, you have to get an A in life! You can do that, can’t you?
Now that’s the question. But how does one get an A in life?
I haven’t the slightest clue in where to start.
So I’m doing what I can – being active, thinking about my passions, what I need to do to fill my life. But what I’ve realized, is that my activeness keeps relating back to my desperation to be something more.
In college, I was a top student. I was known for my smarts and my annoying persistence and determination. I was worthy.
And now? Well. The worthiest I feel is when I get a couple “likes” on my Facebook or Instagram posts.
Which leads me into how social media, sucks.
I hate feeling like I need to constantly uphold this image of me “doing great things”, simply because I don’t want to drown in this river of daily existence that everyone just swims along in. I shouldn’t feel like I have to document my life to other people just to appear “good enough” either. It’s such a twisted logic that I know a lot of individuals in my generation deal with (between you and me, I think you’re great and beautiful whether you get 100 likes or not).
In the end, I don’t want to swim.
I want to wade against the current. I want to scramble onto the bank and stand, drenched and cold, but tall and proud…I want to be seen.
Does social media really allow people to see you? Do people really care?
As someone who now has time to build their following for their writing and their art, I feel kind of trapped by this technological world.
Social media is where I have infinite access to millions of people; if I’m really going to make a change, I need to use it. People I can help! People I can inspire!
But I also want to throw my phone across the room because I just don’t want to deal with people. Ugh!
It’s like I’m always trying to think of ways I can appear impressive or interesting – not just because I want to be “internet popular”, but because I don’t want to get lost in that daily current.
I don’t want to be average.
And while I excelled in college, right now, I feel pretty ‘average’ at life.
“Woman, jesus, it’s only been 2 weeks, and look at all the things you’ve done, get a hold of yourself, you’re not superwoman.”
But what if I want to be, dammit?!
I mean – why spend time pointlessly scrolling through Facebook, or watching my favorite show, when I should be out saving the world?
Aren’t I just terrible for not saving the world already? (Sarcasm ensues here).
So…what does a creative humanitarian perfectionist do in the face of daily existence?
Do I keep working, take things slow as I look for a career (which I’ve determined will hopefully be in a college, because I want to help students figure out their lives), or go into overdrive, apply to any “I’m gonna help people!” job I see, and just hope for the best?
See that’s…that’s the thing I hate about this post-graduate thing. In college, you can actually study to be successful, but in ‘real life’, there’s really no foundation or structure.
You kind of just, go, uh, do that thing today, and oh, cool, finish that project, alright, um, go to work, nice, you got money, hm, I was gonna work on this thing, but I’m too tired, so I guess I’ll watch Netflix instead, oh look at the time, time for bed.
THAT’S THE DAY FOR YOU! (My God, is that it?)
…I’ve come to realize that simplicity, while nice at times, drives me up the wall. I need to be challenged. I need to constantly be learning, moving, pushing myself forward.
Because what am if I’m not something right now? Screw giving myself time to “wind down”, I need to be out there, flying above that river that works to fill my lungs with mediocracy.
I don’t want to be overly dramatic about it (…even though I am), because seriously, I’ve done a lot of great things since I’ve graduated. I have been productive, and “adult-y”. I’ve paid bills, done housework, gotten my car washed, cleaned out my room to make my future move easier, you know all the right things.
Ultimately, I’m terrified of the idea of settling into an average life. One that is comfortable, easy, and meaningless. One with little to no self-progression, enlightenment, or discovery. One where I don’t take risks because I don’t need to, one where I don’t create nearly as much anymore because there’s no longer a need for new and colorful ideas in the world.
One where life conquers my need to create.
This hasn’t happened to me yet, trust me. I’m still writing, have been actively thinking of new ideas for other creations, be it videos or art, but I’m struggling with the idea of if I’m really doing enough. And if what I’m doing is really enough to fill my life and to help other people.
Which is scary in itself. People. Oh God, people, please, stay back…but…drop me like, share, or follow on my work – Please see that I exist, but keep your distance, kay thanks!
It’s such a weird dichotomy in my brain, but I guess that’s what I get for being an introverted creator.
I just don’t want to be held back – by anything or anyone. I need to be on the move.
But more importantly, I need to remember what day it is.
Is that like an adult thing? You get so caught up in your daily life that the days just blend in one? Is that why time seems to move progressively faster the older you get, because your life is more consumed by bills and responsibilities rather than daydreams and colored pencils?
Ultimately, structure and purpose are my main struggles right now. Since I’m not getting an “A” at the end of each day, telling me how well I did/how productive I was, I feel as if anything I do is not enough.
I’m fighting to literally be superwoman (or Jessica Jones, Buffy Summers, insert any strong female character here, please).
The struggle is real, but bring it on.
*Post-college grad rant over*
Oh, and if you want a musical version of my struggles, check out this lovely song.
Are you a recent college grad? Tell me your “adult” life process in the comments below!
With endless encouragement,
I’m exhausted by how much I relate to this, AND I HAVE A CAREER! It’s almost worth going back to school for a second master’s or a doctoral degree just to be challenged and have a goal like that again.
I feel exactly the same way! Trust me. Part of me has a strong feeling that I’ll be going back for my Master’s one day.