I endlessly hold my breath as I move through each step of the day.
But I’m floating. I’m floating in limbo. My eyes are seeing, my skin is feeling, my lips are moving to speak, but in reality, I feel as if I’m separated from my own body – As if I’m watching someone else live my own life, feel my own feelings, and taking joy in my own successes.
Alright, let me try to break this down in more literal/actually understandable terms.
SO, you go through your life each day, great. You get up, go to work or school, hang out with a friend or two, maybe engage in one of your hobbies, whatever.
But do you ever feel like you’re just going in constant circles down your life path? That, instead of a road, your life path just seems to be one endless, circular maze that causes you to keep seeing that same stupid “Welcome to your life!” sign everytime you pass it?
Yeah – that’s me. And fuck that “Welcome to your life!” sign, because I swear to God, even though it’s supposed to be getting farther away.
Seriously, I swear it hasn’t even moved.
I guess I feel like my life hasn’t really started…or like someone else is living it.
Isn’t that kind of weird? To be living within your own skin, but to also feel like you’ve jumped out of it, causing you to become a weird ghost of yourself hovering over your own body, shaking your head as you watch how fake your own smile and laugh are.
Even with all my recent successes of getting two new jobs (one being a writing one, so that’s huge), doing well in school, etc, I still feel a little…well, to be blunt, dead.
And I’m not just referencing the whole “Oh I’m just dead inside” joke – I truly feel (mentally and physically) like I’m not seeing through my own eyes. I’m “glazed” over, I like to call it. It’s one thing to be mentally glazed, but when you physically have to double back and remind yourself that you’re a person…well, that’s an issue.
I can definitely contribute this feeling to how fast-paced our society is.
In, out, go do this, go be a student, work three jobs to pay for bills, have a social life, have hobbies, oh and volunteer in your community or else you’re worthless, oh and better make sure you know how to craft a perfect resume for your future career, also, remember to clean your house so you don’t look like a filthy piece of shit, thanks. Oh, and be perfect or else you’re nothing, cool? Cool.
Like, seriously though?
Thanks society – Always appreciate the encouragement.
I guess I’m just sick and tired of the daily grind, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m just…well, not here. I suppose I can laugh and smile and be me for those who care, but truly, the only times I feel like I’m the one putting air into my own lungs is the moment I wake up, and the moment I lay down to go to sleep.
And hey, I’m only 21. I haven’t even made it to my quarter life crisis, man, how the hell am I going to deal with that “Welcome to your life!” sign for another 60-something years?
With all this positive change in my life, I’d think I feel differently. But quite honestly, I’ve found that I’m not even able to truly appreciate/feel the momentum from that change. And I’ve only seemed to be harder on myself in order to reach that stature of personal perfection my ghost version of me has placed on my mechanical body that functions on gasoline rather than oxygen.
I suppose all that’s left for me to do is to keep walking down my life path…circle…whatever the hell it may be.
Just someone burn that “Welcome to your life!” sign down while I’m at it, please.
Thanks.
Do you see that damned “Welcome to your life sign too?
Share and/or leave a comment below if you can relate!
Comments
I’ve been planning on commenting on this for a week now, haha.
I wanted to say that you’re not alone. The struggle is real. I’ve been struggling with how to thrive in the daily grind of the non-stop workforce since I graduated nearly 4 years ago. About a year ago I thought, “maybe if I get a job that I don’t hate, it’ll be easier to balance work and social/creative needs”…..but I did get a better job and I’m still not where I want to be almost a year into it.
I mentioned to a coworker the other day, “I just need to slow down and do nothing for awhile, I’m so tired…” and they responded, “haha, good luck.” It’s been especially a challenge this past month with 12 hour days (because of physical therapy in the mornings 3x/week and whatever else after work 3-4xs/week).
I think so many people just settle for whatever reality they have or the environment that’s handed to them and never stop moving because then they’d have too much time to think. They don’t take care of themselves…their mental, emotional, and physical well being. So many just go to work/school, go home, distract themselves/vegetate trying to recharge so they can handle the next day all the while perpetually looking forward to the weekend.
I want my life to be more than that. I want to make the most of what I have and work towards becoming the best version of myself. I want to feel my emotions, have more meaningful connections with others, and live authentically. I want to have a sense of direction in my life and to love those around me better. I want to work on my passion projects and inspire others.
I think having a reason to get up in the morning and face the day is helpful as well as some sort of short or long term goals to work towards. It’s a work in progress, that’s for sure.
Very well said, Erin. And I agree with every word you’ve said.. it’s so difficult, and for some reason, even when you DO slow down, it never feels like enough. Everything is just…confusing.